10 weeks

So here i sit, this weekend in Queens, the place that we live all week. This weekend the gf had two bridal showers to go to for her cousins. I went to the shower yesterday, but the one today I wasn't invited to. I guess i don't care that I wasn't invited, I mean who really wants to go to those things, but I am a little hurt because I feel like it's a way of unacknowledging our relationship. Whatever. So i've had nonstop morning sickness for 5 full weeks now. Throwing up day and night and not being able to enjoy ANY part of my life. Like last weekend though, I sit here alone. Last weekend I was alone because she was working and this weekend I am alone because I wasn't invited to the shower and I'm too sick to go to her cousin's volleyball game which is after the shower. By the time she gets home, she will have been gone for another 8 hours and I will again feel so lonely that I want to just crawl into a hole and die. I haven't felt wanted or loved since we/I got pregnant. This was something that we both wanted. It isn't what I thought it would be. She doesn't hold my hair when I vomit and she isn't excited to tell her family. She doesn't hold me at night anymore because I've been so sick. She doesn't even text me that she misses me anymore. I'm very alone in this. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I love her so much, she used to love me too I think. We wanted each other, laughed together, and did fun things. We used to sit by each other on the couch and talk about our future together. That's all gone now. I miss her so much it hurts. I want my gf back and I want to be like other couples who are excited and loving during a pregnancy. Nothing else to say i guess. I'll sit alone tonight an watch a movie and pretend that she will be happy to come home to me.